He died young, or suddenly, and the room is not sad yet — it is angry.

The standard eulogy is a summing-up. It has an arc: born, built a life, grew old, finished. It works because the room has already accepted the ending. Your room has not accepted anything. They are shocked, several of them are furious, and a summing-up will sound to them like you are filing a life as complete when it plainly was not.

The shape that works instead

• one life, at full size, not one life, cut shortDo not measure him against the years he did not get. Measure nothing. Put him in the room doing what he did — the flat, the band, the way he drove, the way he texted. A 34-year-old who is vividly present for four minutes beats any sentence about potential.
• present tense scenes, past tense facts“He is standing in my kitchen at midnight eating cold rice out of the pan.” Present tense in the stories does what the room needs and cannot ask for. Keep the past tense for the plain facts, because he did die and you will not pretend otherwise.
• say the unbearable thing once, early, and do not build to it“This should not have happened, and it is far too early, and everyone in this room knows it.” Say it in the first minute. It takes the pressure out of the whole speech — you are no longer performing a calm that nobody has. Then go to the stories.
• no resolution at the endThe standard eulogy lands on a completed life. Yours cannot and must not. Land on something small and concrete of his instead: a phrase, a habit, one instruction to the room.

You do not have to make it mean anything.

There is enormous pressure on the person at the lectern to deliver a lesson. Everything happens for a reason, he taught us to live in the moment, we should hold each other closer now. You are allowed to refuse all of it. Some deaths do not mean anything, and standing up and saying so is more use to that room than a moral would be.

I do not have anything wise to say about why this happened. There isn’t anything. What I have is 22 years of him, and that is what I am going to use the next four minutes for.

clears the whole burden in two sentences — most people’s best opening for this

Naming how he died is the family’s decision, not yours

Whether the overdose, the crash, the illness or the suicide is named out loud belongs to his parents, or his wife, or whoever is closest. Not to you, however close you were, and not to your instinct about honesty.

So ask them. Once. Before you write, not after, and never at the door of the church. One message: “I am writing what I will say on Saturday. Do you want me to say how he died, or leave it? Either is fine and I will do exactly what you want.” Then do exactly that, including if they change their mind on Friday night. Asking once is respect. Asking three times is pressure.

If they say leave it, you are not lying by omission. You are speaking about his life at his funeral, which is the assignment. Say “he died in March” and go on.

The lines to leave out

• “everything happens for a reason”In this room it means his death was necessary. His mother will hear it that way for the rest of her life.
• “it was God’s plan” or “God needed him more”Leave theology to the person in the vestments, who is trained and who is not his friend. Even in a religious family, this sentence from a peer at the lectern lands as a shrug.
• “at least” — anythingAt least he did not suffer. At least he had a good year. At least you have the children. Every sentence beginning “at least” is an argument that the grief should be smaller. Cut all of them.
• “he is in a better place” and “no more pain”Both tell a young widow that her husband is better off away from her. Neither is what you mean.

If the family has agreed you can name a suicide

Plain and once. No detail, no method, no timeline, no theory about why. You are naming a cause of death, in the way you would name any other, and then returning to his life. Two forms work, and if this is the whole of your problem tonight, when they took their own life is the page that only covers this decision.

Sam died by suicide in June. I am saying that plainly because his mum asked me to, and because he spent years being careful about other people’s feelings and I am not going to be careful about this.

the plain naming — attribute the decision to the family, then move on

He died of an illness that lies to people about their own worth. It lied to him. It was wrong, and everyone in this room can tell you it was wrong.

the description, for a family that wants it named without the word — say it once and do not preach on it

Do not build on either of those. No campaign, no it-is-time-we-talked-about-this, no statistics. You are at his funeral, not at a conference. Say the line, then say what he was like in a kitchen.

One line, and only one, for the room: if anyone here is struggling with the same thing, there is a number that answers day and night — 988 in the US, 116 123 for Samaritans in the UK. Then move on to the next sentence without a pause.

The young people in the room

At a young death, half the room is under 30 and it is the first funeral most of them have been to. They are not being addressed by anything else happening today. Take ten seconds and address them.

To his mates at the back — you are allowed to be angry about this. You are also allowed to laugh at the reception, and you should. And you are allowed to ring each other in three months when everyone else has moved on, which is when it will actually be hard.

concrete permission plus one instruction; do this near the end, then land on him

If there are children, keep it shorter and more literal than you think you should. “Your dad was proud of you” is worth more than any metaphor, and no child should be handed sleep, stars or watching over anybody by a person at a lectern.

Then end on him. A thing he said, quoted and left alone. Nothing after it.

• How do you write a eulogy for someone who died young?

  Drop the summing-up shape — it assumes a finished life and your room does not accept one. Do not measure him against the years he missed. Put him in front of the room doing specific things, use present tense in the stories, say once and early that this should not have happened, and land on something small and concrete rather than on a resolution.

• What do you say at a funeral after a sudden death?

  Name the shock in the first minute rather than performing a composure the room can tell you do not have. Then spend the time on him: places, habits, actual sentences he said, told in the present tense. You do not have to offer a lesson or a reason, and it is better if you do not. Avoid “everything happens for a reason”, “God’s plan”, “he is in a better place” and any sentence beginning “at least”.

• What should you not say when someone dies unexpectedly?

  Anything that makes the death sound necessary or survivable-by-comparison. “Everything happens for a reason” tells his mother the death was needed. “At least he did not suffer” argues the grief should be smaller. “He is in a better place” tells a young widow he is better off away from her. Say instead that it should not have happened, and that you have no explanation.

• Should a eulogy mention that someone took their own life?

  That is the family’s decision, not yours, however close you were to him. Ask whoever is closest, once, before you write: do you want me to say how he died, or leave it. Then do exactly that, including if they change their mind on the Friday night. If they agree it can be named, name it plainly and once, with no method, no timeline and no theory about why, and return immediately to his life.