How to start a eulogy, and how to end one, without reaching for a poem.

Write the ending first

Almost everyone gets stuck on the first line, and almost nobody needs to. Write the last line first. Once you know where you are landing, the opening writes itself in about four minutes, because its only job is to point at the ending.

Five openings that work

• the scene“There is a photograph of my mother on a beach in Whitby, in a coat, in August, holding a cup of tea and looking absolutely furious.” A specific image, immediately. It works because the room sees something before it has to feel anything.
• his own words“My father’s view was that any job worth doing was worth doing badly at first.” Start in his voice. It brings him into the room in one sentence, which is the entire point of the exercise.
• the small honest admission“I have written and thrown away four versions of this. This is the fifth, and it is the only one that sounded like him.” One line, no self-pity. It buys you enormous goodwill because everyone recognises it.
• the plain fact, undercut“My mother was 84, and she would want me to tell you she was 79.” The room laughs, briefly, and it is allowed — the small laugh in the first fifteen seconds is a release valve for ninety people who have been holding their faces still for an hour.
• the last thing that happened“On the Tuesday before he died he rang me to ask about the immersion heater. That is the last conversation we had, and it is extremely him.” Small and recent beats grand and general, every time.

Four openings that lose the room

• “Webster’s dictionary defines grief as…”No. It signals a speech assembled from a template, in the first six words.
• “We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of…”The celebrant has already said this. Repeating it tells the room the next four minutes will contain nothing they do not know.
• “For those who don’t know me, I’m…”Not first. If it is genuinely needed, put it in the second sentence, after the scene. Never open on your own admin.
• “I’m not very good at public speaking, so bear with me.”It asks the room to look after you at the exact moment you need them to listen. They were already on your side. Leave it out.

End on his voice, not on a poet’s.

Endings

An ending should be short, concrete and final. Three that work: something he said, quoted and then left alone with no explanation. A single instruction to the room — “if you knew him, do the thing he’d have done: ring your brother.” Or the plain address to him, once — “thank you, Dad. I’ll take it from here.” Say it and stop. Do not add a sentence after your ending; almost everyone does, and it always weakens it.

What to avoid: a poem found online tonight, because it puts a stranger’s voice in the last thing the room hears; “rest in peace” and “until we meet again”, which are the funeral industry’s words rather than yours; and the long forgiveness paragraph, if the relationship did not have one — see the complicated one for what to do instead.

One test for both ends: read the first line and the last line together, with nothing in between. If they sound like the same person talking about the same man, the middle will hold.

• How do I start a eulogy?

  Open inside a specific scene, or on something they actually said, rather than on a greeting — the celebrant has already told the room why they are there. Write your last line first; once you know where you are landing, the opening only has to point at it. Avoid dictionary definitions, “we are gathered here today”, and apologising for your public speaking.

• How should a eulogy end?

  Short, concrete and final. Quote something they said and leave it alone; or give the room one instruction; or address them directly once — “thank you, Dad. I’ll take it from here.” Then stop. Avoid a poem found online, and avoid adding a sentence after your real ending, which almost everyone does and which always weakens it.