You do not have to explain how he died, and you do not have to pretend he did not.

Everybody at that service already knows, or will by the weekend. Funerals are not where families keep this quiet, whatever anyone hoped on the first day. So the decision in front of you is not whether the room knows. It is whether your speech acknowledges it out loud.

There are 3 answers and all 3 are honest. Pick one tonight, before you write a word, because the whole shape of the speech follows from it.

A eulogy is not an explanation. Nobody is owed one from the lectern.

The 3 options

• one — do not mention the death at allThis is the most common choice and it is not cowardice. A eulogy is about a life, and no eulogy of any kind is expected to say what a person died of. You speak about him for 4 minutes and the cause is not the subject. Choose this and commit to it: no hints, no heavy pauses, no line about how hard the last year was that everybody has to decode.
• two — name it once, plainly, and move onOne sentence, early, at normal volume, and then straight into the material. It releases the room from pretending, it releases you from feeling like a fraud for the next 4 minutes, and it takes 6 seconds. This is the option people want and do not know they are allowed.
• three — name it and say one true thing about the illnessOne sentence naming it, one sentence putting it where it belongs: he was ill, the illness lied to him, and it was not a verdict on the life it interrupted. Stop at 2 sentences. A third turns the eulogy into a campaign, and a lectern is the wrong place for one.

Whichever you pick, check it with the closest survivor before Saturday. Not the whole family, one person: his wife, his mother, whoever the day belongs to. Ask today, in one line, rather than on Friday night.

I am not going to mention how he died. Tell me now if you would rather I did, because I would rather know than guess.

the message to send to the closest survivor, today

If you name it, these are the sentences

Short, unadorned, no euphemism and no detail. Say it once and keep your voice at the volume you were already using. Do not pause afterwards for a reaction, because pausing asks for one.

David died on the 4th of March. He took his own life. I am saying that plainly because he was not a secret and I am not going to talk around him for the next 4 minutes.

option two, said early

My brother was ill for a long time and most of us only saw parts of it. The illness told him something that was not true, and on Tuesday he believed it. That is how he died. It is not who he was.

option three, and then straight into the life

There is a question in this room and I am going to answer it once so nobody has to whisper it. Yes. And then I am going to tell you about the 41 years before it.

when the not-knowing is louder than the knowing

Words to keep out of it

• any description of how, where, or what was foundNever, in any version. It is the one thing that will follow the family for years and it is the only detail a room cannot unhear. “He took his own life” is the complete sentence.
• “lost his battle”, “finally at peace”, “chose to leave us”The first makes it a fight he was too weak to win. The second says he is better off, in front of his children. The third calls an illness a decision. All 3 sound kind and land badly.
• anything that assigns a reasonNot the job, not the divorce, not the person who left in February. Half the room has already built that sentence privately, and hearing it from the lectern turns a funeral into a hearing. You do not know, and it is not yours to allocate.
• the appeal to reach outIt is well meant and it belongs in the order of service, on paper, not in the speech. A eulogy that ends in a public service announcement stops being about him. If the family wants a number printed, print it on the sheet.

The last months are not the summary

This is the real work of the speech, and it is arithmetic. If he was 41, then the terrible part was 6 weeks or 2 years, and it was not the other 39. A eulogy that spends half its length on the end has quietly agreed that the end was the point.

So build it out of proportion. One or 2 sentences on the death, if you name it at all, and everything else on the man: what he did with his hands, what he said too often, what you argued about, the afternoon that had no importance whatsoever. The same questions as any other eulogy, and they matter more here.

• first 30 secondsWho you are, and the one sentence about the death if you are naming it. Then leave it behind and do not return to it.
• the next 2 to 3 minutesHim, alive, specific, in scenes with places in them. This is 80 percent of the speech and it is the part the family will thank you for.
• the last 20 secondsSomething said to him, short. Not a moral, not a lesson learned, not a plea to anyone else in the room.

Getting through the reading

Mark the 2 places you are most likely to go. Slow down 3 words before each one, breathe, and carry a printed copy in large type so your hands have something to hold. How to get through it without breaking down is the page with the mechanics.

One plain thing, because it would be strange not to say it. If you are the one having these thoughts, in the United States you can call or text 988 at any hour and a person answers. Elsewhere, your local crisis line does the same.

If he was young, when it was too soon covers the shape of a life cut off early. If there was drinking underneath it, a eulogy for a father who drank handles the part nobody wants named.

• Should a eulogy mention that someone died by suicide?

  It is your choice and 3 answers are defensible: do not mention the death at all, name it once plainly and move on, or name it and add one sentence putting it down to illness. Most people choose one of the first 2. Whichever you pick, agree it with the closest surviving family member before the service, and never describe how it happened.

• What words should I avoid when speaking about a suicide at a funeral?

  Avoid “lost his battle”, “finally at peace” and “chose to leave us”, along with any method, location or detail, and any explanation that blames a job, a break-up or a person. “He took his own life” is a complete and respectful sentence. Say it once, at normal volume, and then speak about his life.

• How do I write about a good life that ended badly?

  Use proportion. Give the death 1 or 2 sentences at most and give the remaining 80 percent of the speech to specific scenes from the years before it: what he did with his hands, the phrase he repeated, an ordinary afternoon. A speech that spends half its length on the last 6 weeks has agreed that the last 6 weeks were the point.