Forty minutes after the eulogy, everyone will be standing in a field looking at you.

The committal is the part where the coffin goes into the ground, or the curtain closes, or the ashes go into the sea or under a tree. It is 5 to 10 minutes long. If there is a celebrant or clergy, they will run it and you may have nothing to do. But at a great many of them somebody turns to the family and says, would anyone like to say anything, and there is a silence, and that silence is 4 seconds long and feels like a minute.

The good news is that this is the easiest speaking you will do all week, once you know 2 things.

• it is short, and short is the conventionTwenty to 40 seconds. One or 2 sentences. Nobody at a graveside wants a speech, everybody is cold, and half of them cannot hear you. A single sentence said plainly is the correct length and will be remembered better than the eulogy was.
• it is addressed to them, not about themThis is the difference that makes it easy. The eulogy was for the room. The graveside is the one moment of the day where you may speak directly to the person who died, in the second person, by name, and everybody standing there understands that is what is happening. You do not need material. You need one thing you want to say to them.

Say it to them, not about them. Then stop.

What normally happens, in order

• arrivingPeople walk from the cars and form a loose semicircle. It takes 3 or 4 minutes and it is awkward and that is normal. Immediate family goes nearest. If you are speaking, stand where people can see your face, not at the head of the grave.
• the wordsThe celebrant or clergy reads the committal — a short formal passage, often ending in earth to earth, ashes to ashes. If it is a cremation, this is where the curtain closes or the coffin lowers. You do not have to look. Many people do not.
• the opening for the familyThis is the moment. Either the celebrant invites anyone who wants to speak, or there is a pause that plainly belongs to the family. Either way, if you intend to say something, go first. The pause gets harder every second and somebody has to break it.
• the doingAt a burial, earth, or flowers, thrown in, oldest first, usually one at a time and often in complete silence. At a scattering, someone holds the container and it usually takes 2 or 3 people. Expect this to be the part that undoes you, more than the church did, and expect it to be brief.
• afterwardsPeople stand around for 10 minutes not knowing whether to go. Somebody, and it may as well be you, says right, the pub is 5 minutes that way, and that is what ends it.

Nine lines that work

Read these, pick the one that is nearest true, and change 3 words so it is yours. Say it out loud in the car on the way. Do not hold paper if you can avoid it, and if you need paper, hold it and do not apologise for it.

Dad, thank you. For all of it, including the parts we did not agree about. Go well.

the general one, and the safest — works for a difficult relationship without naming anything

This is where we leave you, next to Mum, which is exactly where you said you wanted to be.

when the plot is shared, and the single most common thing said at a graveside

Seventy-four years, and not one of them wasted. Thank you for the lot.

We are going to go and tell your stories badly for about 4 hours now. You would have corrected all of them.

the one that gets a small laugh, and a graveside can take exactly one

Mum, you have been the best of us. We will look after each other. That is a promise and you know we keep them.

I never got to say it to your face, so I am saying it here. I love you. Thank you for what you could give.

for the estranged, the absent parent, the one who left — honest, and gives nothing away to the room

This was your favourite place in the world and now it is yours. We will be back every year.

for a scattering of ashes, where the place is the whole point

Goodnight, Grandad. Sleep well.

when there are children present, or when a short one is all you can manage

There is nothing I can say out here that I did not say in there. So I am just going to stand with you all.

the line for when you get there and cannot do it — it is a complete and dignified thing to say

Cremation, scattering, and a graveside with 4 people at it

• at a crematoriumThe committal happens inside, in the same room, at the end of the service, and it is fast. There is rarely an invitation for the family to speak, so if you want to say one line, tell the celebrant beforehand and they will make a space for it. Do not try to add it unannounced.
• at a scattering of ashesUsually weeks or months later, usually a small group, usually no professional present, which means somebody has to be in charge and that somebody is you. Say 1 or 2 sentences about the place and why it is this place. Then say what happens next, out loud, because nobody knows: who is holding it, who is pouring, which way the wind is going. Check the wind. This is not a joke.
• when it is 4 of you and no celebrantThe whole thing is yours to run and it takes 5 minutes. Say a sentence to say you are starting. Read something 30 seconds long, anything they liked. Say your one line. Do the doing. Then say a sentence to say it is finished, and that is the part people forget: without an ending, everyone stands there. “That is what we came to do. Thank you all for standing out here.”
• if a child is going to speakLet them, and let it be 6 words, and let it be theirs. A grandchild saying bye Grandpa at a graveside is the most effective thing that will be said all day and nobody needs to help them write it.

If it is the main speech you have not written yet, the six sections a eulogy is made of is where to start and a complete worked example, start to finish shows one whole. If the service is tomorrow, when the service is tomorrow is the page for tonight. And if you are worried about crying, out here more than in there, how to get through it without breaking down is written for exactly that.

• What do you say at a graveside?

  One or 2 sentences, 20 to 40 seconds, spoken to the person rather than about them. Use their name. “Dad, thank you. For all of it. Go well” is a complete and correct thing to say at a graveside, and it is better than 3 paragraphs.

• Is the committal the same as the funeral service?

  No. The service is the main gathering with the eulogy in it. The committal is the shorter part where the burial, the cremation or the scattering actually happens, often outdoors and often 30 to 40 minutes later. It runs 5 to 10 minutes and the family are sometimes invited to speak.

• What do you say when scattering ashes?

  Say why this place, in one or 2 sentences, then say plainly what is about to happen and who is doing it, because with no celebrant present nobody knows. Then say one line to them by name. Then say clearly that it is finished, or everybody will stand there waiting.

• Do I have to speak at the graveside?

  No. Most people say nothing and that is entirely normal. If the pause becomes unbearable and you want it filled, “there is nothing I can say out here that I did not say in there” is enough, and then you can stand with everyone else.