You may not have been asked for a eulogy at all.

This sounds like a technicality. It is not. The single most common way a funeral speech goes wrong is that somebody writes a full eulogy — the life, the shape of it, the ending — and is then called up 4th, after the celebrant has already covered the biography, to speak for 2 minutes. Everything they wrote has already been said. They read it anyway, because it is what they have.

Two minutes of asking now saves the whole week. Here are the 5 things you might have been asked for.

The 5 jobs, and how to tell them apart

• the eulogyOne speech, usually one speaker, 4 to 6 minutes, placed in the middle of the service. Its job is the whole person: who they were, what they were like, what they leave. If you are the only family member speaking and the celebrant asks you for the biographical details, you have the eulogy. Write the 6 sections.
• a tribute, or a few wordsShorter, 90 seconds to 3 minutes, and usually one of 2 or 3 people speaking. Your job is not the life. Your job is one angle on it — you as the neighbour, the colleague, the youngest brother. Pick 1 scene and 1 sentence about what they were like, and stop. Trying to cover the whole person here is what makes 3 speakers say the same 4 things.
• a readingYou are reading something somebody else wrote: a poem, a psalm, a passage they liked. 30 to 90 seconds. You write nothing. The work is entirely in the delivery, and the only preparation that matters is reading it aloud 6 times, standing up, slowly. Ask whether you are expected to say a sentence of your own first. Usually one line is welcome and 4 is not.
• words at the reception, or the wakeStanding up in a room where people are holding drinks, after the service, with no order of service and no microphone. 60 to 90 seconds, warmer, and it can carry a laugh that the church could not. Completely different register from the eulogy. If you are doing both, do not write the second one until the first is finished, and do not repeat a single story.
• the family speech at the graveside or committalShort, outdoors, often unplanned, 20 to 40 seconds and frequently just one sentence. Nobody warns you about this one and it is the one people most often find themselves doing without notice. What to say at a graveside or a committal covers it on its own page.

Ask 3 questions and you will know which one you have.

The 3 questions to send tonight

Send these to whoever asked you, or to the funeral director or the celebrant, whose whole job this is and who will answer in an hour. Do not apologise for asking. They would far rather tell you now.

• 01How long do you want me to speak for?the answer is a number, and it changes everything else
• 02Is anyone else speaking, and what are they covering?this is how you avoid 3 people telling the pub story
• 03Where does it come in the service, and will the celebrant already have covered his life?if the biography is already spoken for, do not write it twice

If nobody knows, assume a tribute rather than a eulogy: 3 minutes, one angle, one scene. A short speech that lands is never a disappointment, and if you are given more time on the day you can add a sentence. The reverse does not work.

Is a eulogy religious, and does that change it

The word comes from Greek and means good words. In practice it has no religious content of its own. In a church service it sits inside a liturgy someone else is running and is usually a little shorter, because the service has other business. In a service with a civil celebrant there is often no other content at all, and the speeches are the service, so yours may be asked to carry more weight and more length.

The one thing worth checking with a religious service is whether humour and anything about the difficulty of the relationship is expected to be left out. Usually it is not banned, but it helps to know whether the clergy will be doing solemn and expecting you to match it.

So what do you write, once you know

• if it is a eulogy4 to 6 minutes, 500 to 800 words, the whole person. Biography in the first paragraph only, then 3 or 4 specific things, then the honest part if there is one, then an ending taken from something they said. The six sections a eulogy is made of is the structure and a complete worked example, start to finish shows one finished.
• if it is a tribute or a few words2 to 3 minutes, 250 to 400 words. Name your angle in the first sentence — “I worked next to him for 19 years” — then 1 scene told properly, then 1 line about what he was like, then sit down. Do not attempt the life. Somebody else has it.
• if it is a readingNothing to write. Print it in 18 point, mark every place you will breathe, and read it out loud standing up 6 times before Saturday. How to actually deliver it on the day is the page for this.
• if it is the reception60 to 90 seconds, no paper if you can manage it, one story and a thank you to whoever did the work. Warmer than the service. Raise a glass and stop talking while people are still listening.

And if it turns out you have been asked for something this site does not build yet — a reading, a toast, a poem chosen rather than written — the pages here are free and they cover it. Nobody should pay us $39 to find out they were in the wrong place.

• What is the difference between a eulogy and a funeral speech?

  A eulogy is the one speech that covers the whole person, usually 4 to 6 minutes, given by one speaker in the middle of the service. A funeral speech or tribute is shorter, 90 seconds to 3 minutes, one of several, and covers only your own angle on them. If the celebrant is asking you for biographical details, you have the eulogy.

• How long is a eulogy compared to a tribute?

  A eulogy runs 4 to 6 minutes, about 500 to 800 words. A tribute or a few words runs 90 seconds to 3 minutes, about 200 to 400 words. Words at the reception are shorter still, around 60 to 90 seconds, and a graveside line is often a single sentence.

• Can there be more than one eulogy at a funeral?

  There is usually one eulogy and then one or two shorter tributes, because 2 full eulogies means the same life told twice. If 2 of you have both been asked to speak at length, agree who is covering the life and who is covering one angle, tonight, before either of you writes anything.

• Who normally gives the eulogy?

  Most often the eldest child, a sibling, or a close friend chosen because they can be relied on to get through it. In a religious service the clergy may give it using notes the family supply. There is no rule, and being asked is not an obligation — if you cannot do it, say so within the day, so somebody else has time.