You are speaking about someone you knew for thirty years and never once alone.

You were asked for one of three reasons, and it is worth knowing which, because it changes the first twenty seconds of the speech.

• your wife or husband cannotThe most common. She wants it said and she knows she will not get four sentences out. You are standing in for her, and part of your job is to make her presence in the speech audible.
• nobody else wouldA family of people who do not speak in public, and one in-law who can. That is a real reason and not a lesser one.
• you were genuinely closeRarer, and if it is you, you already have the material. Skip to the section on what to say and be careful only about the siblings.

Earn your standing in the first sentence

Somebody in that room will wonder why the son-in-law is speaking. You cannot argue them out of it later, and you should not ignore it. Answer it immediately, in one sentence, plainly, and it stops being a question for the remaining 4 minutes.

I am Michael. I married Anne’s daughter Claire twenty-two years ago, which makes me the one member of this family who chose her.

Best opener there is for an in-law. It names the relationship and turns it into an advantage in nine words.

Claire asked me to do this because she knew she would not get through it. Everything I am about to say, she said to me first.

Use when you are standing in for your spouse. It also protects you from the siblings.

I knew Bill for thirty-one years, and never as a son knows a father. I knew him the way you know a man you sit next to four times a year. That turns out to be its own kind of knowing.

Honest about the limit, and sets up the rest of the speech to deliver on it.

Name the seat you are speaking from. Then speak from it.

What you have that her children do not

Her son cannot see her. He is looking at his mother through everything she was to him at nine, and at nineteen. The last hospital year sits on top of all of it. You met her when you were both adults, and you have been watching without needing anything from her.

That is an unusual and useful angle, and it is what makes an in-law’s eulogy better than the family expects. Four kinds of thing only you noticed.

• the first meetingYou remember it exactly, because you were terrified. What she said, what she was wearing, what she was doing with her hands. Nobody else in that church can tell that story, and every person in it wants to hear it.
• how she was with your childrenYou watched her be a grandmother from the outside, which her own children could not. What she brought, what she let them do that you would not, what she said when they broke something.
• the moment she decided about youThere was one. A sentence, a plate of food, a lift to a station, the week your father died. Tell it with the place and the action, and stop before you explain what it meant.
• what she said about her own childrenYou heard the version they never got. Use it — carefully, warmly, and only the good parts. “She told me once, in that kitchen, that Claire was the only person she had never been able to out-argue.” That line is a gift to a daughter on the worst day of her life.

Two mistakes an in-law makes

The first is claiming too much. “She was like a mother to me” is well meant and it lands badly in a row of actual children. You do not need it. The chosen-her line does the same work without taking anything off anybody.

The second is disappearing into a summary. Because you feel short of material, you reach for a life history — born in Leeds, married in 1968, three children, forty years at the works. Her children can supply the dates. Nobody else can supply the afternoon in the kitchen, so trade the dates for the afternoon.

If it was cold between you

Plenty of people are asked to speak about a mother-in-law who never warmed to them. If that is you, the play is not honesty about the friction — that belongs to blood relatives, not to you. The play is respect at a specific distance, which is a real thing and audible as such.

Anne and I took a long time to work each other out. I will say this for her: she never once pretended, and after thirty years I would take that over easy.

As far as an in-law should go. It is true, it is dignified, and it does not open a door.

Then get out of your own way and speak about her as a force in the family. If the difficulty was hers with everyone rather than only with you, a eulogy for a difficult mother has the sentences. Be aware that the licence there belongs to her children.

Length, and where to stand

Shorter than a child’s eulogy. 3 to 4 minutes, 400 to 550 words, one story told properly rather than three told quickly. If a son or daughter is also speaking, ask what they are covering. The same story told twice in one service is the only genuine disaster available here.

End by handing her back to her children. That is the correct final move for an in-law, and it is the line the family remembers you for.

I got thirty-one years of Bill, which is less than anyone else in this room. It was enough to know exactly what Claire is walking out of this church without.

You will likely also be asked to say something at the reception, which is a different job with different rules. See how to actually deliver it on the day for the lectern itself.

• How do you write a eulogy for a mother-in-law?

  Answer the standing question in your first sentence: say who you married and how long ago. Then spend the speech on what only an in-law saw: the first meeting, how she was with your children, the moment she decided about you, and something she said about her own children. Aim at 3 to 4 minutes and end by handing her back to her children.

• Is it appropriate for a son-in-law or daughter-in-law to give the eulogy?

  Yes, and it is common. In-laws are usually asked because a son or daughter knows they will not get through it. Name that out loud in the opening — “Claire asked me to do this because she knew she would not get through it” — and the question of whether you should be up there is settled in one sentence.

• What can I say about a father-in-law I did not know well?

  Say so, in one honest line, and then deliver on the small window you had. “I knew Bill for thirty-one years, and never as a son knows a father.” Then one afternoon, told with a place and an action. A thin window described precisely beats a life history assembled from dates.

• Should I say she was like a mother to me?

  No. It is well meant and it lands badly in a row of actual children. Use the relationship you actually have instead: “I am the one member of this family who chose her.” That earns the same warmth and takes nothing away from anybody sitting in the front row.

• How long should an in-law’s eulogy be?

  3 to 4 minutes, 400 to 550 words at a reading speed of about 130 words a minute. Shorter than a child’s. If a son or daughter is also speaking, ask which stories they are using, because the same story twice in one service is the one avoidable failure.